Hacked, suspended, annoyed

My other blog is currently offline due to some hacker/phisher in Brazil putting phishing sites and sending spam through my site. My web host accused me of violating their anti spam policy and suspended my account. I explained the situation to them and still haven't heard back about getting it reinstated. At this point, I'd rather not use them anymore. My original host was bought out by them and I just somehow ended up with them. I only found out about the phishing site because of someone at CloudFlare sending me a message about it. It's been on there for at most a couple weeks without me knowing.

Another thing is I ended up quitting the part time job I just got because it wasn't giving me any actual web design or development experience. Though I also didn't want to work with the person who hired me anymore. My last week was pretty bad and the following week was much better because I decided quitting would be better than staying. The whole thing with my other blog being down is bad because I'm back in the job market and a professional looking blog is actually pretty useful. Oh well, maybe I should take a break. There are some classes I'd like to start soon that may help me in finding better work.

Finally, a new job!

After more interviews than I care to remember, I finally got a part time web position working on Styles For Less's ecommerce site. Given my slight online shopping addiction, this is a bit of irony. Though they do have good prices and some cute clothes, I'm more interested in selling stuff right now than buying.

Anyways, it's going to be interesting working on a website for a company that I normally associate with retail fashion. I'm no expert in either online or retail fashion stores, so I guess it'll be a good place to learn about those types of businesses. So far, I really only know about the website and haven't even met most people in the company.

I'm currently enrolled in 4 online courses in web programming (ASP, Oracle, Javascript/AJAX, and Web 2.0). I think I should drop the AJAX class because the book looks like it's not so good and perhaps it wouldn't be as good as learning on the job. Anyways, even 3 online classes seems a bit much. Perhaps I should keep them all, but I think it probably would be better to only take 3 max.

Holidays were a bit stressful because of the job search, but spending time with family was nice since my sister was visiting and her kids can be fun to talk to. I didn't see many friends despite being invited to a few parties. Partly because of the job situation and partly because there were conflicts with other events.

At least having part time work will get me both experience and decent pay while leaving me time to do other things like take classes and continue with my own online selling. Having more time is good, but I'm also hoping the whole disability review won't cause me to lose my Social Security. If it does, then I hope I can do well enough at my current job to get full time.

AllSaints Not For Sale featuring Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

It's crazy how so much is packed in the Hollywood area: there's the Hollywood Bowl, Hollywood and Highland, the Pantages Theater, Amoeba Music, the Chinese Theater, The El Capitan, the Egyptian Theater, and the Music Box theater all in close range of each other. Film and music lovers could spend hours watching movies, staring at stars (on the ground), and seeing great bands from all over the world. The AllSaints Not For Sale event was an invite only gig, which managed to have plenty of famous and fashion industry people while still having some real BRMC fans and friends in attendance thanks to the prize winners who'd purchased shirts in advance before the show. Dana was one of these lucky winners and I was her even luckier date.

These special events are always kind of strange because celebrities are milling about and models are serving snacks. Bar tenders are busily attending to the many people who take advantage of the open bar. And who could say no to free drinks and snacks? Manny Pacquiao, the Filipino featherweight boxing champion of the world, was the special guest of the evening. There is plenty of human trafficking in the Philippines, which much of the world knows nothing about. Celebrity endorsements aside, there really is a problem when people are still being bought and sold as slaves - wage slaves, sex slaves, even worse is when it's a child who's adult life ends up troubled due to horrible experiences. It's a heartbreaking thing to know that Slavery still exists all around us according to SlaveryMap.org.

So I forgot to write anything about the show. BRMC were a breath of fresh air in the star studded environment, which I heard included Sarah Ferguson (Duchess of York) and most likely many other important people. We saw Dan Russell, his sister Nancy (who works at LACMA), and her friend who was charge of volunteers at TwentyWonder. Robert made a funny remark in between songs as how important we all know that fashion is. This was met by many approving chuckles from the fans. I took quite a few photos, which you'll find on Flickr. I'd say they played for about an hour and a half. The set included 10 +1 songs (thanks to Mel on the Forum for the setlist): Beat the Devil's Tattoo Bad Blood US Govt Weapon of Choice Ain't No Easy Way Red Eyes and Tears Six Barrel Shotgun Punk Song Spread Your Love Shadow's Keeper Open Invitation Check out my videos of "US Govt" and "Open Invitation":

   

Santa Monica to Long Beach and back

It's been a busy day - more so for my boyfriend than me because he worked all night and still drove us to a bunch of different places. I think my joint job/apartment search will lead me to the South Bay rather than Glendale or Burbank. Though I did have a brief yet promising phone interview, there seems to be a lot more good companies and reasonably priced apartments in the South Bay. It's also an easier place to get around than the Santa Monica area and most likely also less dangerous.

My friends are generally helpful in advising me on what to do, but I sometimes like to figure things out on my own. Me and my boyfriend are both a bit stubborn that way - something we both need to work on. I am usually pretty resistant to following other people's advice, I don't know why I can't do that sometimes. My family likes to force their opinions on me and it makes it hard to separate the good from the bad.

So the day involved going all around Santa Monica Place for the Tokidoki x Barbie event, which was packed when we first got there and cleared out by the time we went back. We ate at the Food Court, which was much more than we expected it to be and got some stuff at Hot Topic - which also ended up more than we expected, but at least we got some good deals. I looked at a few shirts at the store when we did get in, but they were not surprisingly more than I'd want to pay.

We stopped at an apartment in Mar Vista just to look and then went down to Long Beach to test drive a Nissan Leaf (but ended up more interested in the Nissan Versa - much cheaper and still fuel efficient). After that, we got some dinner at a nice sit down restaurant - which though more expensive than Santa Monica, was nicer and more relaxing place to enjoy a meal. And they validated our parking, not that we needed to at Santa Monica Place.

The Waiting Game

Sometimes you know something big will happen and you just can't wait for that thing to happen. A lot of major changes have happened in recent months - both good and bad. I think the worst is behind me and what I have to look forward to is better than what I've been through so far. I know it sounds vague, but I honestly feel there is more to my life than a bunch of contract jobs and people I've met that don't bother to keep in touch. I'm not talking about anyone in particular, more like people in general who don't call me back or respond to messages.

I've tried not to be the type of person who doesn't respond, but there are times when I don't feel up to it. For anyone I do consider my friend (which is more than you might expect), I will be there for them (or you if you are reading this). Anyways, I'm kind of in a wait and see mode of whether I can get a job that will allow me to live in LA more permanently while also getting an apartment to allow me to actually feel comfortable living here. In the past, I've known my roommates well enough or gotten to know them and it's no longer the case.

I just hope a job and an apartment turn up in my near future!

Taking charge in my life

My decision to stay in LA is definitely one that I know will be worth doing, I will establish myself in my job and community and attempt to lead by example rather than titles or requirements. I will exceed the expectations of others and make myself a necessary part of any organization. And I will accept being part of a good place on my own terms. I am the one in charge in my life and I will shape my future and the future of others around me.

Westside

I'm giving LA another chance, not that I didn't like it before - it's different from Orange County in a lot of ways but not necessarily better or worse. They both have their pros and cons - LA has better public transportation (not compared to SF or Chicago, but that doesn't matter), Orange County has better traffic and possibly more polite drivers. LA has a lot unique neighborhoods, which Orange County has as well - but the cost of living is higher in LA and therefore, the age of senior citizens is lower in LA. I was a little surprised that age 55 was considered a senior citizen in LA, while it's 62 at least in the OC.

There's a lot of misconceptions about both areas, but one big one seems to be that everyone goes to the beach and surfs. Not in my life - and it's not that I don't want to, it's more because like the ocean is a big scary place full of unknown things - the likelihood of a shark being in shallow waters is unlikely, it's when you venture out into the depths. That's when you'd want a submarine, which reminds me of the ride at Disneyland. Now there's a real dream land for you. I know a lot of people know there's more behind it than you see, but it's not all bad and it's not all good. There's always gray area in these matters.

It takes time to understand and time is not something everyone seems to have. I fortunately have a lot more time than most people right now being between projects and this leaves me with lots of time to reflect and ponder such difficult questions, like "Why does Hollywood like to typecast people?" and "Who comes up with this stuff?" I don't even want to know sometimes because it can be utterly fluffy and meaningless. Where is the substance beyond the style? Why don't people think or read or even try to make an effort to go beyond what they see? Is there even a point to me writing this?

LA is one place that you see the super wealthy and the homeless co-existing in the same areas. I wonder how this happens, but I try not to think too much about it. Homelessness is not a new thing, but neither is poverty and lacking hope. That's my guess as to what real poverty is - hopelessness, and even worse sadness about not being able to change a situation. The reality is you need to choose to change before anything happens and change is a hard thing to accept, especially if you feel stuck or don't want to change.

My parents never really wanted me to explore the world and even meet anyone. I think they wanted me to help my brother my whole life.  But why cripple myself for someone who brings me down? I've managed to find a great group of friends in various parts of my life and I thought I'd remain a lone wolf. But I am not as brave as a wolf, I'm more like a cowardly lion. But I'm also sort of a sheep because I feel like I've had wool over my eyes for the longest time. I need to stop making silly animal references and really cut to the chase.

One thing I've noticed people appreciating about me is my patience and hard work. I've always been told I'm smart and nice, but no one can tell I'm funny or silly or strange. Another thing they say is that I'm cute, but not beautiful and sweet (but also short). I doubt I have a point to this ever expanding blog post, I just felt the need to go on and on about myself. My boyfriend sees every side of me, the best and worst parts of me and has accepted them all. I'm not so good about that because I've always been compared to others and it's made it so hard to be me.

Just writing this now is making me tear up. So I'm stopping for now. I'm meeting with a new therapist tomorrow, so I have hope that it will be a good meeting. It's tough dredging up painful memories and stuff. Maybe I've said too much and I should really stop. Okay, now I'm done.

Time for a sabbatical

Sorry I've been incommunicado for awhile, I've had a lot on my mind - an effect of being bipolar and having a huge list of mental issues like insomnia, obsessive compulsive disorder, seasonal affective disorder, paranoia, and who knows what else. I was feeling like I went on autopilot a few times because I was doing things without remembering why I did them.

I don't like the feeling of not being in control, I had a pretty cool contract job for awhile and I'm just unable to cope with sudden life changes - at least if I'm feeling distracted and stressed out. I'm not trying to cut off my ties with any friends online or offline, I just need to focus on feeling healthy and normal. Sorry again, I'm not one to be in the limelight and I would rather work behind the scenes.

My boyfriend is more into talking to anyone and asking questions, I haven't socialized myself properly and it is very hard for me to feel comfortable when there's so much uncertainty. Most people understand this and I just can't always put myself out there if I feel like my thoughts are racing and going all over the place. I like helping people, but I also like to feel safe.

Thank you to all of you good people who like to keep in touch. You help keep me sane and feeling connected even if I just want to run and hide in my room. Being so introverted is tough, I think those I've opened up to understand. I'm feeling drained at the moment and will be back to my happy normal self soon.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen

Relationships are ultimately the most important thing in making your life rich and fulfilling, not necessarily romantic or physical ones - more like family, social, professional, and even online relationships. I've been fortunate mostly in my online, social, and romantic relationships because I've made good close friends with people I know I can trust and also who share some of my interests.

Professional is something I'm working on because getting back into the working world is a tough transition from going to school and just goofing off at home or hanging out with friends. Being in a work environment is very different for me from when I started in college and re-connecting with people is always very exciting. True friends are definitely the most important people to have in your life.

I would have a difficult time in my life if I hadn't had good friends I've made over the years in various areas of my life. I do my best to value those I've reached out to and those who've reached out to me, and it's really helped me to become a better more focused and less selfish person. Caring for others is a great thing because the people who really matter to you need your help the most.

BRMC @ Del Mar Concert Series

There’s been lot of changes in my life the past few years (even the past few months), but one nice constant has been a fair number of local BRMC shows between albums and tours – which I’ve enjoyed with a great group of loyal fans. Recently starting a new contract position and trying to figure out temporary housing in a semi-unfamiliar area has kept me from writing about this show earlier, but now that I’m settled at least for the next few weeks so I’ll do my best to recap the concert.

The past few LA area shows kind of make you think only women are there early to be in the front row, but San Diego area (or county) shows tend to have a bit more of a mix. This show was a lot rowdier than most BRMC shows, perhaps due to more guys pushing their way through the crowd. I could have done without all the pushing and crowd surfing, as it tends to distract from enjoying the music and ends up causing a reduced amount of personal space. I’m not trying to focus too much on concert etiquette, which may vary from city to city.

BRMC’s music stirs up a lot of excitement and energy, in addition to emotion and feeling. A full set for the cost of parking and entry to a horse race definitely makes this one of the most affordable and unique places to see them. I’ve seen them play at casinos, arcades, churches, warehouses, colleges, and concert venues of various sizes – basically, new venues are exciting for seasoned fans and provide for even more new experiences that I don’t get seeing other bands (not that I see many others these days).

After seeing so many shows, the changes in their sets stand out more than the usual songs and the songs that stood out most were the original version of “US Government,” “In Like The Rose,” “Weight of the World,” and a more recent addition “Half-State” – which really is an amazing blend of psychedelic and shoegaze in a rockier form. I’m not sure if they added it late because it’s a longer song or they had to adapt for a live set, but either way it’s great to hear live.

I got a few nice photos at the show, check out of my Flickr set for more examples. I was tempted to get a video of “Half-State,” but remembered my camera doesn’t have a good enough microphone to make it worth recording with. There are always plenty of videos on YouTube. This post is not a real description of the show, my friend Jen Ruano wrote an excellent review for LA Record with equally amazing photos by her photographer friend Debi Del Grande.