Sunday, September 25, 2011


I'm giving LA another chance, not that I didn't like it before - it's different from Orange County in a lot of ways but not necessarily better or worse. They both have their pros and cons - LA has better public transportation (not compared to SF or Chicago, but that doesn't matter), Orange County has better traffic and possibly more polite drivers. LA has a lot unique neighborhoods, which Orange County has as well - but the cost of living is higher in LA and therefore, the age of senior citizens is lower in LA. I was a little surprised that age 55 was considered a senior citizen in LA, while it's 62 at least in the OC.

There's a lot of misconceptions about both areas, but one big one seems to be that everyone goes to the beach and surfs. Not in my life - and it's not that I don't want to, it's more because like the ocean is a big scary place full of unknown things - the likelihood of a shark being in shallow waters is unlikely, it's when you venture out into the depths. That's when you'd want a submarine, which reminds me of the ride at Disneyland. Now there's a real dream land for you. I know a lot of people know there's more behind it than you see, but it's not all bad and it's not all good. There's always gray area in these matters.

It takes time to understand and time is not something everyone seems to have. I fortunately have a lot more time than most people right now being between projects and this leaves me with lots of time to reflect and ponder such difficult questions, like "Why does Hollywood like to typecast people?" and "Who comes up with this stuff?" I don't even want to know sometimes because it can be utterly fluffy and meaningless. Where is the substance beyond the style? Why don't people think or read or even try to make an effort to go beyond what they see? Is there even a point to me writing this?

LA is one place that you see the super wealthy and the homeless co-existing in the same areas. I wonder how this happens, but I try not to think too much about it. Homelessness is not a new thing, but neither is poverty and lacking hope. That's my guess as to what real poverty is - hopelessness, and even worse sadness about not being able to change a situation. The reality is you need to choose to change before anything happens and change is a hard thing to accept, especially if you feel stuck or don't want to change.

My parents never really wanted me to explore the world and even meet anyone. I think they wanted me to help my brother my whole life.  But why cripple myself for someone who brings me down? I've managed to find a great group of friends in various parts of my life and I thought I'd remain a lone wolf. But I am not as brave as a wolf, I'm more like a cowardly lion. But I'm also sort of a sheep because I feel like I've had wool over my eyes for the longest time. I need to stop making silly animal references and really cut to the chase.

One thing I've noticed people appreciating about me is my patience and hard work. I've always been told I'm smart and nice, but no one can tell I'm funny or silly or strange. Another thing they say is that I'm cute, but not beautiful and sweet (but also short). I doubt I have a point to this ever expanding blog post, I just felt the need to go on and on about myself. My boyfriend sees every side of me, the best and worst parts of me and has accepted them all. I'm not so good about that because I've always been compared to others and it's made it so hard to be me.

Just writing this now is making me tear up. So I'm stopping for now. I'm meeting with a new therapist tomorrow, so I have hope that it will be a good meeting. It's tough dredging up painful memories and stuff. Maybe I've said too much and I should really stop. Okay, now I'm done.