Thursday, September 29, 2011

Taking charge in my life

My decision to stay in LA is definitely one that I know will be worth doing, I will establish myself in my job and community and attempt to lead by example rather than titles or requirements. I will exceed the expectations of others and make myself a necessary part of any organization. And I will accept being part of a good place on my own terms. I am the one in charge in my life and I will shape my future and the future of others around me.

Sunday, September 25, 2011


I'm giving LA another chance, not that I didn't like it before - it's different from Orange County in a lot of ways but not necessarily better or worse. They both have their pros and cons - LA has better public transportation (not compared to SF or Chicago, but that doesn't matter), Orange County has better traffic and possibly more polite drivers. LA has a lot unique neighborhoods, which Orange County has as well - but the cost of living is higher in LA and therefore, the age of senior citizens is lower in LA. I was a little surprised that age 55 was considered a senior citizen in LA, while it's 62 at least in the OC.

There's a lot of misconceptions about both areas, but one big one seems to be that everyone goes to the beach and surfs. Not in my life - and it's not that I don't want to, it's more because like the ocean is a big scary place full of unknown things - the likelihood of a shark being in shallow waters is unlikely, it's when you venture out into the depths. That's when you'd want a submarine, which reminds me of the ride at Disneyland. Now there's a real dream land for you. I know a lot of people know there's more behind it than you see, but it's not all bad and it's not all good. There's always gray area in these matters.

It takes time to understand and time is not something everyone seems to have. I fortunately have a lot more time than most people right now being between projects and this leaves me with lots of time to reflect and ponder such difficult questions, like "Why does Hollywood like to typecast people?" and "Who comes up with this stuff?" I don't even want to know sometimes because it can be utterly fluffy and meaningless. Where is the substance beyond the style? Why don't people think or read or even try to make an effort to go beyond what they see? Is there even a point to me writing this?

LA is one place that you see the super wealthy and the homeless co-existing in the same areas. I wonder how this happens, but I try not to think too much about it. Homelessness is not a new thing, but neither is poverty and lacking hope. That's my guess as to what real poverty is - hopelessness, and even worse sadness about not being able to change a situation. The reality is you need to choose to change before anything happens and change is a hard thing to accept, especially if you feel stuck or don't want to change.

My parents never really wanted me to explore the world and even meet anyone. I think they wanted me to help my brother my whole life.  But why cripple myself for someone who brings me down? I've managed to find a great group of friends in various parts of my life and I thought I'd remain a lone wolf. But I am not as brave as a wolf, I'm more like a cowardly lion. But I'm also sort of a sheep because I feel like I've had wool over my eyes for the longest time. I need to stop making silly animal references and really cut to the chase.

One thing I've noticed people appreciating about me is my patience and hard work. I've always been told I'm smart and nice, but no one can tell I'm funny or silly or strange. Another thing they say is that I'm cute, but not beautiful and sweet (but also short). I doubt I have a point to this ever expanding blog post, I just felt the need to go on and on about myself. My boyfriend sees every side of me, the best and worst parts of me and has accepted them all. I'm not so good about that because I've always been compared to others and it's made it so hard to be me.

Just writing this now is making me tear up. So I'm stopping for now. I'm meeting with a new therapist tomorrow, so I have hope that it will be a good meeting. It's tough dredging up painful memories and stuff. Maybe I've said too much and I should really stop. Okay, now I'm done.

Monday, September 05, 2011

Time for a sabbatical

Sorry I've been incommunicado for awhile, I've had a lot on my mind - an effect of being bipolar and having a huge list of mental issues like insomnia, obsessive compulsive disorder, seasonal affective disorder, paranoia, and who knows what else. I was feeling like I went on autopilot a few times because I was doing things without remembering why I did them.

I don't like the feeling of not being in control, I had a pretty cool contract job for awhile and I'm just unable to cope with sudden life changes - at least if I'm feeling distracted and stressed out. I'm not trying to cut off my ties with any friends online or offline, I just need to focus on feeling healthy and normal. Sorry again, I'm not one to be in the limelight and I would rather work behind the scenes.

My boyfriend is more into talking to anyone and asking questions, I haven't socialized myself properly and it is very hard for me to feel comfortable when there's so much uncertainty. Most people understand this and I just can't always put myself out there if I feel like my thoughts are racing and going all over the place. I like helping people, but I also like to feel safe.

Thank you to all of you good people who like to keep in touch. You help keep me sane and feeling connected even if I just want to run and hide in my room. Being so introverted is tough, I think those I've opened up to understand. I'm feeling drained at the moment and will be back to my happy normal self soon.

Saturday, September 03, 2011

Friends, Romans, Countrymen

Relationships are ultimately the most important thing in making your life rich and fulfilling, not necessarily romantic or physical ones - more like family, social, professional, and even online relationships. I've been fortunate mostly in my online, social, and romantic relationships because I've made good close friends with people I know I can trust and also who share some of my interests.

Professional is something I'm working on because getting back into the working world is a tough transition from going to school and just goofing off at home or hanging out with friends. Being in a work environment is very different for me from when I started in college and re-connecting with people is always very exciting. True friends are definitely the most important people to have in your life.

I would have a difficult time in my life if I hadn't had good friends I've made over the years in various areas of my life. I do my best to value those I've reached out to and those who've reached out to me, and it's really helped me to become a better more focused and less selfish person. Caring for others is a great thing because the people who really matter to you need your help the most.